I had difficulty breathing for the first several minutes of the swim (read: panic attack). I am not afraid of the water and its not the first time this happend... but it was the worst. I didn't know my time out of the swim, I was very disoriented... I couldn't find my bike rack. Unusual for me.
I got on my bike and I just didn't care if I wore myself out. I pedaled fast. I thought my time was sub 20, but it ended up being a little over 20mph. I PR'd my half marathon. I had no idea what my time was for anything other than the run until a good 20 minutes after when Jason looked up my time.
Awesome. I achieved my goals. A little sarcasm there. My mind was not happy, emotionally... Just not happy despite the time.
I couldn't sleep Sunday after the race. ........Follow the most exhausting week of my life.
My brain wasn't functioning. I wasn't confused -- I was blank and quite frankly, I almost cried one morning when I literally didn't understand something. NOTHING was in my brain.
Saturday we had to ride 100 miles without drafting. I ended up riding 80 miles with no one in site -- at least 2+ miles in front of me and 2+ miles behind me. It was tough. My head hurt, my feet hurt, my leg hurt and... I wanted to CRY. IT SUCKED. I had NO FUN AT ALL.
I am an emotional and sensitive person (no I'm not really a hard ass despite what you may think), but I believe there is a time and a place for it -- and its NOT during a workout. I am literally yelling at myself on the middle of 192 a VERY boring, flat road with a speed limit of 55mph and semis and cars whipping by me without moving over a lane. I literally HAD TO YELL AT MYSELF so I wouldn't cry.
I had almost NO control over how I was feeling....similar to how I have zero control whether I get a panic attack or not. I then stopped at 90 miles to get some OJ and water... and I have to admit I did feel better, but I still didn't forget about how disappointed I was in myself.
I didn't want to wake up Sunday and run. I did it, but I hated every step. I went home almost immediately and went to bed.
I realize at this point that I am PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, and EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.
...Since I refreshed and got more sleep I have been so emotional. I can't stop thinking about different scenarios. Pressure I put on myself. Workouts I didn't miss (my dedication). ALL THE COOKIES I DIDN'T EAT. All the dedication I have had the whole year to drop some weight. All my friends and teammates accomplishments. How much Coach Sway and Trung do for us. Funny moments. Milestones.
I can't really explain it... but something just clicked. In my eyes, I am already an Ironman. Maybe I will have trouble breathing during the race -- but I will get through it, because it has happened to me several times (and I did it then -- 26 minute swim time with a panic attack, I'll take it!). Maybe I will meet my time goals, maybe I won't, maybe I will feel amazing, maybe I won't.
But there is one thing I know for certain: I gave all I had, every single day, every single choice. I have done and will continue to do everything I possibly can to have the best race possible. And there is definitely something to say about that.
The fact is I have put SO MUCH PRESSURE on myself for this one day. This one day that I have worked my ass off for the whole year.
Then I remembered a sign I saw at Augusta...
IRON BODY
IRON MIND
IRON SPIRIT
We all have IRON BODIES thanks to Coach Sway. Be confident to know that you will get through any obstacle you have at Ironman, but also accept the fact that no matter what happens we are ALL IRONMEN (women, whatever).
We have all made this journey, so let's quit acting crazy, and just continue plugging along, eating right, doing our best at workouts, and embrace the IRON MAN SPIRIT.
In 24 days, I will be an Ironman and so WILL EVERY ONE OF MY TEAMMATES.
Amen.
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