84 Days

A friend on Facebook is racing Lake Placid on Sunday.   Seeing her transition bags and pictures of training and the venue literally brought tears to my eyes.  

She also had two pictures of note cards with quotes.   They were:

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." -Steve Prefontaine

"We all have dreams; In order to make dreams into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, self-discipline, and effort." -Jesse Owens

It was this friends post that pulled together my recent struggles and has led me to a little clarity.

My last post was a little over a year ago and it was titled BALANCE.     With the help of some friends, I got back into training.   On November 4, 2014, I signed up for the full distance Beach 2 Battleship triathlon.

2014 was the year I was signed up for St. Anthony's olympic, Raleigh 70.3 and Chattanooga 140.6.   I completed none of those races.  After the DNS at these 3 triathlons,  I was extremely hesitant to sign up for Beach 2 Battleship.

Why? I am afraid of not being able to complete a race.   I am afraid of getting hurt again, I am afraid of the voices inside of my head telling me I can't do it or thinking about work, I am afraid of just not physically being prepared.

An injury kept me down in 2014 and although its significantly better (I can ride my bike!!!!), it's not 100% better.   I wish I could blame my fear on my injury, but that's not where its coming from.

I feel uncomfortable with BALANCE.   I want to give 150% effort to something.   Most of my energy is towards work at this time.   Although I need my work outs for stress relief, I tend to want to get up and start working - it's hard to turn my work brain off.   I also do NOT like that I can't focus more on training.

Although I have improved, I continue to struggle with my commitment to training.   I beat myself up about my lack of motivation and lack of consistency.   Last week, I was really struggling during a run - in fact, I had myself so worked up I couldn't run much.   I just couldn't breath.   I was, of course, thinking about work.

I thought "How are you going to do a full distance triathlon in less than 3 months?"   "You can't do this."   "You aren't committed."   Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't.    Then I told myself that I didn't want to do the race anymore.

The fact is I have literally been afraid to commit.   I am so afraid of not being able to complete this triathlon without training like I did in 2013.   I am so afraid of failing, I haven't even given my full effort.   I'm not even giving myself the chance to succeed.   Because of my fear, I am not giving my best effort.

The truth is, I want to cross that finish line after swimming 2.4 miles, cycling 112 miles, and running 26.2 miles just as much as I did in 2013.   I want to prove myself that I can do this.   I want to prove to myself that even though I hate EVERY MINUTE of BALANCE - I can do it.

I am done sacrificing the gift and the joy that comes with training, accomplishing goals, and completing a triathlon.   I am done letting my fear limit my ability to achieve something I so badly want to achieve.   Today, I commit to stay focused, determined, and give my best effort every day to be balanced.

In 84 days, I will cross that B2B finish line… and the dance will be unbelievable.

Balance

It's been a long time since I posted.   I have had my write up of my Ironman Florida 2013 recap in draft since November.   I have thought about completing it on several occasions, but for some reason --- I continue to put it to the side.

This morning I went to VQ, because I had to work until about 7:30pm tonight and wouldn't be able to take the night class.   I woke up and got there -- I kinda felt like a zombie….until, I got on the bike and I pedaled.   My mind was clear.  My leg is weak, but is finally listening when I say "go."  I focused on the workout.   My power number is the lowest it has been in 2 years -- but it was set for where I need to be.  I focused on making the goals and not doing more -- even if I felt like I could.   I don't know what happened -- but I had all of these feelings and memories of Ironman pop up during this work out.  The smile I had on my face -- screaming of joy as the spectators cheered -- the rhythm I had on my bike -- the journey I completed with my teammates. (GOSH I want that feeling again!)  I looked down at my feet this morning as I was pushing through an interval and I was just so happy to be there and be cycling.  

The endorphins were crazy -- and pushed me through the whole day until I got a not so good call regarding work around 2pm.   However, these endorphins helped me handle it and not have as much stress as I had throughout the day.  I wasn't "high" but I wasn't extra stressed either.

So… why am I saying this?  I think it's important for me to come clean.  I want to share my experiences with others.  I am also working on changing my habits and get back doing what I love.

So… what happened?  Well, several events occurred and I got into some bad habits after my Ironman.   Honestly, a lot of it has to do with my inability to manage stress -- and my new role at my job that I got promoted to in October last year spun me around several times and it has taken me several months to feel somewhat comfortable.   It has taken me 6+ months to realize that I can't continue being unhappy, out of shape, not eating right (or at all during the day for that matter), and being unbalanced.   That's right I STRUGGLE WITH BALANCE.  (SHOCKER ;))

I was injured -- but I wasn't doing anything that I could do.  I didn't swim.  I didn't lift weights.   I didn't walk.  I didn't do core exercises.   I would work, work, work -- and exhaust myself.  Management is so difficult, unpredictable, and challenging -- and I let my work and stress about work take over.  I ate cookies and I laid in bed on the weekends because I was so exhausted from the stress and my inability to balance my life.  

I did try to back into the swing of things, but instead of gradually working my way back in… I went full speed. BALANCE.   So, I stopped doing anything.  I did go to therapy but I wouldn't do everything I needed to do.   I knew sitting made it worse -- and unfortunately with my job I sit a lot, but I can stand at a computer.   I continued to sit and not do what I needed to do heal.   BALANCE.  

I did try -- but I would have a bad day and be back to square 1.  I could not get the BALANCE I needed to take care of myself again.  

Well.. July 4 was my turning point.   I met some teammates for the Watermelon 5k -- anxious to just see what I could do.   A teammate, Melissa, said she'd be willing to run with me.   I hate holding people back -- but the way she looked at me it really made me feel like she wanted to run with ME.  She didn't care about my pace.   It was the longest I have run in 3 months.   A 5k.   I was exhausted.   It felt harder than the Ironman I did back in November.   However --- it wasn't the run itself that was the turning point.   Two specific events occurred and probably in the perfect order.

1) Melissa told me basically that I could get back into training, but I had to go slow.  She said that I had to let go of my ego.   I laughed and I said "I have no ego anymore -- I can't do anything!"   Now, while I knew I had to put my ego aside and go the freaking pace that I should go -- it really needed to be said to me.   I think people try to beat around the bush when it comes to saying something like that, but it was truly Melissa and her willingness to be there for me and also say what I needed to hear that was a game changer for me.   Lesson:  Put the ego away -- you need balance, you can't be balanced if you try to go as fast and hard as you were going in November and in the best shape of your life.  Also, let others help you and guide you.  BALANCE.

2) About 5 minutes after Melissa had that "come to Jesus" talk, we saw Leny another teammate.  She is battling cancer.  She was dressed up as she always was (CUTE!), she was wearing a sign for friends battling cancer, and -- she stopped as always and wanted to take a PHOTO PHOTO.   She was out there.   She has a positive spirt and good energy.   She was doing her best to have BALANCE.   I could barely keep my composure when I saw her.  Lesson: CUT THE CRAP, No more excuses.   Need to stay positive no matter the obstacle. Try harder to have balance (and be positive when I struggle).

Thank you Leny and Melissa for helping me.  You both helped me realize that either I start having better BALANCE or I was going to continue on an unhappy path.

So, I am doing my best to have a better balance.   I gotta tell you -- for me, the past 6 months have been more of a challenge and struggle than Ironman training.   I would rather train for an Ironman then have an inconsistent unpredictable schedule any day.   I can do that -- I know I can.  But, what I need to work on is BALANCE.  It's going to take me time… but I can do it.  :) 


It’s braver to be Clark Kent than it is to be Superman. 
Thank you Glennon.

I will get that Florida recap done too -- because I need to share my day and how AMAZING it was.  :)

The Original Badass

The inaugural Ultraman Florida is being held this week.   The race starts on Friday.  Day 1 consists of a 6.2 mile swim and then a 90 mile bike, Day 2 is a 171.4mile bike, Day 3 is a 52.4 mile run. My coach, Consuela Lively, is the race director.   

While I wish everyone a great race, I will be cheering especially for my friend Lorri Moyer.  I call her THE original badass.   

During my first season of TWS, I was in awe of  Lorri.   She was so fast and always working hard, but never complaining.   I always hoped I could be "like Lorri."   I still have her in my phone as "Lorri Fast."  That's how I remembered her when I first started TWS.   One week she had to do a longer ride during the week and I had to do my Saturday 40 mile ride during the week since I was going out of town.   I will NEVER forget this day.   We went to Avalon and she pulled me the whole 40 miles going about 18mph.   I had my road bike back then and I really pushed myself to keep her speed.  Even with the draft, it was still hard.   I felt amazing that I could ride with her.  I literally had a "cycling high" after that ride.   I felt so cool riding with her.  ha.  I remember asking her if that was hard and she just said "not really."   Bad ass.  

Like I said earlier, Lorri never complains.  She just does the work.   I will NEVER forget the  ONE DAY that Lorri Moyer was "bitchy."  It was like the chick never had PMS before and didn't know what to do with herself.   She was so angry for having a slight attitude.  I was laughing hysterically.   It was so puzzling to her because every other day she tackles with such ease.  I enjoyed that day a lot.  Bad ass.

Last year, as I walked into the ocean at Ironman Florida, Sway, Jess, and Marianne ran into the water ahead of me and I hesitated.   I saw Lorri come up on my right and I reached for her hand.   She gave me a squeeze.   She encouraged me.  It was almost like she squeezed some Lorri Moyer badass energy into my body.   My nerves just went away after that squeeze.   

The past few months Lorri has trained for Ultraman without any other official training partners.  She would ride on the trainer for hours and wake up at 4:30 to run, swim till the point she couldn't feel her hands because the water was so cold.   She PR'd her marathon time. She trained and didn't make any excuses.   She did what needed to be done even when she didn't have 20 other people training for the same event.   Bad ass.

Lorri just has something about her that puts her above and beyond the average person when it comes to badassary.   Thats why I call her THE Original BADass.   

So.. to the original badass, Lorri Moyer, I wish you the best of luck as you begin your Ultraman race.  I can't wait to cheer you on --- and hope to sing you a song or two as you pass me. I will be sure to drink plenty of coffee and make you laugh.   You rock and you are going to conquer this race just like everything else you do.   Love you!!! :) 

Statement Necklaces

I'm feeling a little emotional tonight.... please forgive me, but this is real.

I love training for triathlons.  I do.  But, I never thought it would change my life in the way it has the past two years.  

There are several benefits of training for a triathlon with a team to help you succeed at your goal race, but have you ever thought about the impact of training would have on you personally and professionally?  I think about it a lot -- because I have changed A LOT since I joined TWS and trained for this Ironman.

Fact #1: We have all committed ourselves to achieving a goal.  We all made ourselves vulnerable and put ourselves out there.   We all want to be the best person and athlete we can be.  Given that simple commitment -- we are automatically bonded.  Some more than others. (Just work with me).    

Fact #2:  While we all have one common goal and a significant common interest --- we are all VERY different.  We grew up in different parts of the country, had different childhoods, went to different schools.  Our career paths and professions are different.  Family size and location, marital status, and age -- all different.  Personalities -- while we are all highly motivated, goal driven individuals, we are vastly different.  Some of us are loud (cough, cough), quiet, funny, introvert, extrovert.  Our paths in life are just very different.

Fact #3: While we are not all best friends, we still share the bond (mentioned above) --- and want the best for each other.  We are a support system.  

I believe that the stated facts above place us all in an environment that sets us up all to succeed and improve as much as we want to.   I believe that we are all strong individuals willing to share our information, help each other grow, and also have the cajones to call each other out.  We are ALL STRONG individuals -- and while we may get on each others nerves -- this sets us up with an enormous opportunity for growth. 

I can describe several personal situations this year -- that really have changed me and helped me make some huge improvements in myself and my life.

What I have learned this year -- is that I can continue to improve if I am willing to put myself out there, surround myself with people that don't want to just kiss my ass, but help me be the best Kristen I can be.  

I am a loyal bulldog.  I used to think that a friend should ACCEPT ME and LOVE ME for who I am without question, but after training with my triathlon team I have realized --- a true friend is going to call you out, bring an issue to light, and help you work on it.  

This year... I have gained confidence, got a promotion at work, I went 20, didn't have a panic attack in the hardest swim of my life, taken responsibility for how I say things, completed an Ironman, got a new wardrobe and learned what and how important a statement necklace is, had FUN and smiled the whole time during Ironman -- but most importantly....

I have accepted that its okay not to be perfect.  I have learned that my best is good enough.  That my best is more than good enough, because I quite frankly --- I am awesome.  

Thank you to every single one of you for being you -- because you have ALL influenced me the past two years.  You are all awesome, too --- I hope you know that.  

Visualization: Race Recap

About 6 months ago, Sway asked us to write our race recap for Ironman Florida.  I hadn't read it until she asked us to re-write our race recap last weekend.  You can read about what I thought my race was going to be like back then here.

As I sit here 5 hours, 14 hours, and 4 minutes away from the actual start of the race, I am filled with emotions.  I packed all my gear up, made note cards, made an extensive excel spreadsheet with everything I need so I can check it over and over again.

I got a promotion at work -- so to be honest the past few weeks have been focused on that.  While I kept up my training, my brain was in work mode.  I wasn't feeling well yesterday after a bike and a few hours of working.  I tried to rest the rest of the day.  I woke up this morning still feeling tired, but better.    I gradually found the best way to pack my stuff and I found myself getting emotional when I packed up   a few things, talked to Jason about where he should stand at the finish line, and obviously writing this.

I kinda thought about an Ironman here and there in my life, but I knew after I finished my first half Ironman last year I wanted to do a full Ironman.  After a few days of crying and wondering how much further I could go, I signed up to volunteer for the Florida Ironman.

While I want to kick some serious ass on race day, as I reflect on the past year -- I can't tell you how much has changed for me.  Don't be mad, but I never used to understand "it's all about the journey" when people said that.  This post isn't about that -- so I will stop myself now, but I will write it at some point.   The fact is -- my life has improved significantly in multiple ways during this training.  I am so proud of myself for everything I have accomplished and how hard I have worked this year to make myself a better person, therapist, and athlete.

********************************************************

Early Friday night, the guys grill up some meat and make the ladies dinner.  We eat as a group, laugh, and have a great time.  We probably take pictures in the crazy socks we wore last year.  Marianne probably makes me take 100 more pictures.   We relax and watch the sunset off our balcony.  Before I know it, it's time to sleep.  I'm glad we had a few nights to sleep in the condo because sometimes it takes me some time to fall asleep in a new environment.  Thank goodness I remembered my pillow, alarm clock, and fan.  Just like home! :)

I wake up Saturday morning and I am feeling good.  I can't believe it's here.  It's RACE day.  It's GO TIME.  Holy shit.  OMG.  I'm nervous.  I'm going to kick ass.  I hope I have a great race.  I hope everyone finishes.

I eat my banana and almond butter, take a few sips of water, and walk around to stimulate the digestive system. ;)  I get ready, grab my bags and head down with Jenny, Mike, and Jason to meet the rest of the team.

We walk to the race start -- laughing as usual.  My Mom meets us at the race start and I have her wait with Trung and the rest of the spectators.  We get body marked, load up our bikes with nutrition, and drop our special needs bags off.

Then.... We walk to the beach.  I am nervous.  Of course I am.  Everyone else is.  I focus on deep breathing.  I focus on visualizing a great swim.   I tell myself positive mantra's: I am a strong, determined person and I am going to kick ass, I have worked my ass off and I am ready, I am a baby not a bad ass. We take 100 pictures.  I'm quiet.  I focus on deep breathing.  I talk a little with Sway, Lorri, and others about the current and where we will stand.  I hug everyone.  I hug my Mom and Jason and I walk down to the beach with Lorri, Sway, Dolan, and Jess.

The national anthem is played and I hold back tears.  I am here.  Look what I have accomplished already.  We walk into the water and its calm.  I start to swim, but there are people everywhere its hard to get into a rhythm at first.  Most of the time my head is out of the water, but I still try to turn my head and find my rhythm.  I get some room and finally getting swimming and I feel great.  My breathing is normal, I am pulling hard, and kicking the way I want.  Once we get to the first marker, it's a little congested, but I kept swimming and made it to the next buoy before I knew it.  I picked up my pace going back to the shore -- I came out of the water in 35 minutes.  I ran across the beach -- felt a little out of breath, but once I got back in the water and started swimming I felt great.  I had some more space and I picked up the pace.  I finished the second lap in 35 minutes.

Swim Time:  1 hour 10 minutes

As I run out of the water, I put my goggles on my head, and start taking my wet suit off.  The wetsuit strippers get my wetsuit off and I run towards the shower.  I make a quick exit from the showers -- didn't want to get too much water in my eyes.  I hear Jason/my Mom and TWS people screaming for me, and I try to smile for once --- but maintain my focus on what I am to do next.

I get into the transition tent, sit down, and the volunteer hands me my bag.  I set my wetsuit down.  I take my goggles, swim cap, and ear plugs off and put to side.  I fix my hair and put my headband on.  I wash/dry my face.  Take a sip of water.  Put sunscreen, my sunglasses and helmet on.  I put sunscreen on my arms and legs.  Put my nutrition in my pockets.  Put my socks and shoes on..... I stand up and put my CHAMOIS cream on.  A LOT OF IT.  I head out of the tent and get my bike from the volunteer.  I get to the mount line, mount my bike, and I am ready to go.

T1: 10 Minutes or LESS.

I get on my bike and my heart rate is a little high, so I keep my cadence down.  I focus on just going forward and getting my heart rate to where it needs to be.  I take two salt sticks as soon as I can.  I focus on taking small frequent sips of my nutrition and begin eating my clif bar around mile 10.  I take little bites and try to space my nutrition out.  I am feeling great on the bike, my legs feel strong, the Zipp's are helping me go faster without as much effort, a lot of nice legal drafting --- I take off like a rocket.  I focus on keeping my head in the ideal position, minimal turning of my head, and aero position at all times.  I skip the special needs station at mile 56, but grab a fresh water at mile 70.  I continue to attack. ha.

I finish the bike in 5 hours and 36 minutes.  A perfect 20mph average pace.  I YELL "I'm GOING 20!!!!!!!"  YESSSSS.

I get into the transition tent.  I take off my helmet, put on my hat.  I take off my cycling shoes, put on my running shoes.  Put on my race belt, re-load with nutrition.  Spray myself with sunscreen and put massive amounts of sports slick all over myself.

T2: 10 minutes or less. 

I start running and feel a little funky which is to be expected -- I start off slow and just focus on keeping on foot in front of the other.  I get to see Jason, my Mom, and the TWS family in one short mile.  YES. After about 15 minutes, I start feeling a grove.  I run as I trained.  I ran a mile, walked 30-60 seconds.  I felt great the whole time -- didn't need my special needs bag at all.  I started to slow down around mile 15, but I focused on my time goal.  I told myself that I have worked hard this whole year and I owe it to myself to leave it all out there.  I push myself.  I remember the times Sway asked me to do more when I thought I couldn't.  I think about everyone else busting their ass to do their best and I push.

I come up to the TWS section on my final mile.  I am all smiles.  I give everyone a high five.  I hold back tears.  I think continue on my last mile of the run.  It's hard to stay composed, but I gotta look good on camera. ;)  I also have to breath. ha.  I can hear the music, the clapping, and the cheering.  As I get to the finishers shoot, I take it slow.   I hear "Kristen Corsi, YOU ARE AN IRONMAN" and I do my best Kristen dance that I am capable of doing.  I hold on to the catcher and find Jason and my Mom.

Total Run Time: 4 hours and 50 minutes.

Total Race Time: 11 hours 56 minutes.  

I walk with Jason and my Mom back up to the TWS spectator area.  I can NOT wait to see the rest of my team and continue to cheer for everyone still on the course.  My adrenaline is flowing and I am tired, but feel great.  I am so proud of myself for finishing this Ironman and for everything I have accomplished.

I drink a protein shake and some snacks as I watch every single one of my teammates finish.  We gather as a team and go with the last teammate to the finishers shoot.  We did it.  We are all IRONMEN and WOMEN.  WE ARE ALL BAD ASSES!

May 18, 2013: Ironman Race Vision

**I wrote this on May 18, 2013, but I haven't posted it until now.


I woke up feeling great and ready to race.  This evil taper is actually good.  My legs were fresh and I was ready to go.  I made sure to cover myself good in sunscreen and sports slick.  The butterflies were in my stomach full force, but I was able to stick to my pre-race nutrition plan without a problem.

Jason and I met everyone downstairs and we headed over to the transition area with the rest of the team.   We had our race numbers written on us and we slowly made our way over towards the beach.

I really felt like I was going to poop my pants or barf, but I knew I was ready.  In roughly 15 hours, I was going to be an Ironman.  I focused on deep breathing and visualizing a successful race.  We took some pictures and I gave Jason a big hug.  I hugged all my teammates and my coach.  I cried a little bit. I have worked so hard to get to this race day.  I was nervous, excited, and proud that I finally get to achieve a goal I have wanted for so long.

I strategized the swim start with Lorri, Sway, and Dolan.  I remember to focus on only the people around me.  I focus on deep breathing.

National anthem is sung.  The pros start.  It was finally our turn.  Our day.  Our time.  We hug and wish each other good luck.

I walk into the water until I can start swimming.  The swim is mostly calm and the water feels cool.  I focus on taking breaths and taking my time the first few minutes until I get into my rhythm.  My breath is good, my form is on, and I am pulling at a strong pace.  I can feel the draft from the people in front of me.  Before I know it I completed my first lap.  I see 38 minutes on my watch and I am very happy.  I lightly jog over to start my second lap.  I start swimming and I feel even stronger and confident.  The lap flies by and before I know it I am out of the water in 1:20.

I jog up, get my wetsuit off, and go under the showers.  I ran up through transition and I was able to see Jason and my sister screaming her head off and taking lots of pictures.  I felt amazing.

I headed into T1 and the volunteers put sunscreen on me, I put some lubrication on, and I ate a gu (I THINK, I don't know my nutrition plan, but I am guessing I will have something!).  A volunteer brings my bike to me and I walk it to the mounting point.

I start pedaling and it felt great to be on my bike.  I was so glad the swim was done and I did it in a great time.  I review my nutrition plan and I set a timer to remind myself to eat, drink, and take salt sticks in a timed manner.  I am so glad I focused on figuring out my nutrition plan during training, because it played a key role in my success.

The first 60 miles flew by and I kept a great pace.  The second half I started to have to use more mental strategies.  I focused on the finish line and remembered all the difficult training days we had.  I knew I could do this.  I just had to keep pedaling.  Once I got to 100 miles, I was so glad I only had 12 miles to go.  I finished the bike in 6:35 keeping a 17mph average.

The energy at the transition area was intense.  It felt good to have so many supporters and volunteers there to help us achieve this goal.  I changed my pants and it felt amazing to put some fresh clothes on.  I couldn't wait to run the first mile and see all the TWS supporters by the condos.  The energy was amazing.  I was emotional and so happy to be on my final leg of the Ironman.  I focused on my nutrition plan and stuck to it to a T.  It was a little hard to eat the gu's, but I did have some broth which tasted amazing.  I stuck to a run 10 minutes, walk 1 minute for the whole run.  I felt amazing and strong.  Jess and I had run the course last year so I knew what to expect.  It was boring and the crowd support wasn't always strong.  I filled my mind with motivational quotes, movies, and thought about getting back to the TWS cheer station and to the FINISH LINE.  I started the second lap and I was still feeling great, but I slowed down some.

The last mile was the best.  I came up to the TWS cheer station and Sway was there.  I wanted her to come with me -- but I knew there were others behind me.  I knew Jason and my sister would be waiting for me at the finishers chute.  I could hear the finish line.  I started crying well before the finishers shoot.  I was about to cross the finish line that I had visualized for so long.

Every difficult strength session, every time I chose to say NO to a cookie, and every time I pushed hard during my training all came together.  I slowed down and did a slow jog through the finishers chute.    And then I heard it.  "Kristen Corsi... YOU ... ARE... AN IRONMAN!!"   I crossed the finish line in 14:50 and I felt great.  I did a little dance and blew kisses to my dad and mom watching back in Ohio.  I leaned on the volunteer that "caught" me.  It felt so good to lean on someone for support after 15 hours of kicking butt.

All I could do was smile and cry happy tears.  My sister and Jason found me and we took some pictures.  I wanted to get back to the TWS spot to cheer everyone else so Jason grabbed my things and we headed back to the TWS spot.

I was on cloud 9.  The adrenaline was flowing.  I was so happy to not only finish, but finish strong.  My nutrition was spot on, I tried my best, and I succeeded.  I had a blast.

I thought.  Shit.  I wish I could do this again next year.  But, I can't.  It's baby making time.  At some point, I will most likely do it again.... because I loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! 

Iron Body, Iron Mind, Iron Spirit

9 days ago I raced Augusta half Ironman and I achieved my goal of 5:30 with a time of 5:29:44.  I will write a full recap later... but I only have 20 minutes and I want to write.

I had difficulty breathing for the first several minutes of the swim (read: panic attack).  I am not afraid of the water and its not the first time this happend... but it was the worst.  I didn't know my time out of the swim, I was very disoriented... I couldn't find my bike rack.  Unusual for me.  

I got on my bike and I just didn't care if I wore myself out.  I pedaled fast.  I thought my time was sub 20, but it ended up being a little over 20mph.  I PR'd my half marathon.  I had no idea what my time was for anything other than the run until a good 20 minutes after when Jason looked up my time.

Awesome.  I achieved my goals.  A little sarcasm there.  My mind was not happy, emotionally... Just not happy despite the time.

I couldn't sleep Sunday after the race.  ........Follow the most exhausting week of my life.  

My brain wasn't functioning.  I wasn't confused -- I was blank and quite frankly, I almost cried one morning when I literally didn't understand something.  NOTHING was in my brain.

Saturday we had to ride 100 miles without drafting.  I ended up riding 80 miles with no one in site -- at least 2+ miles in front of me and 2+ miles behind me.  It was tough.  My head hurt, my feet hurt, my leg hurt and... I wanted to CRY.  IT SUCKED.  I had NO FUN AT ALL.

I am an emotional and sensitive person (no I'm not really a hard ass despite what you may think), but I believe there is a time and a place for it -- and its NOT during a workout.  I am literally yelling at myself on the middle of 192 a VERY boring, flat road with a speed limit of 55mph and semis and cars whipping by me without moving over a lane.  I literally HAD TO YELL AT MYSELF so I wouldn't cry.

I had almost NO control over how I was feeling....similar to how I have zero control whether I get a panic attack or not.  I then stopped at 90 miles to get some OJ and water... and I have to admit I did feel better, but I still didn't forget about how disappointed I was in myself.  

I didn't want to wake up Sunday and run.  I did it, but I hated every step.  I went home almost immediately and went to bed.

I realize at this point that I am PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, and EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.

...Since I refreshed and got more sleep I have been so emotional.  I can't stop thinking about different scenarios.  Pressure I put on myself.  Workouts I didn't miss (my dedication).  ALL THE COOKIES I DIDN'T EAT.  All the dedication I have had the whole year to drop some weight.  All my friends and teammates accomplishments.  How much Coach Sway and Trung do for us. Funny moments. Milestones.

I can't really explain it... but something just clicked.  In my eyes, I am already an Ironman.  Maybe I will have trouble breathing during the race -- but I will get through it, because it has happened to me several times (and I did it then -- 26 minute swim time with a panic attack, I'll take it!).  Maybe I will meet my time goals, maybe I won't, maybe I will feel amazing, maybe I won't.

But there is one thing I know for certain: I gave all I had, every single day, every single choice.  I have done and will continue to do everything I possibly can to have the best race possible.   And there is definitely something to say about that. 

The fact is I have put SO MUCH PRESSURE on myself for this one day.  This one day that I have worked my ass off for the whole year.

Then I remembered a sign I saw at Augusta...

IRON BODY 

IRON MIND 

IRON SPIRIT

We all have IRON BODIES thanks to Coach Sway.  Be confident to know that you will get through any obstacle you have at Ironman, but also accept the fact that no matter what happens we are ALL IRONMEN (women, whatever).  

We have all made this journey, so let's quit acting crazy, and just continue plugging along, eating right, doing our best at workouts, and embrace the IRON MAN SPIRIT.

In 24 days, I will be an Ironman and so WILL EVERY ONE OF MY TEAMMATES.

Amen.